(or) KYCism & OTPtva

“The horror! The horror!“
— Joseph Conrad (in his 1899 novella ‘Heart of Darkness’)

(THIS, even before KYC and OTP were nowhere on the event horizon? Are you for real, you bloody wimpy JConrad?)

(skip to section 1, if you only want to read a real life horror story – if not, you can start reading right from here; of course, I would never ask for your personal details or OTPs so beware of scamsters! Don’t click on suspicious links!!)*

1

The normal ‘we all happily died ever after’ kind of innocent fairytale narratives about the OTP (One Time Password – that, one receives on a mobilephone as SMS/WhatsApp msg or on email for pre-verification, leading to some transaction) and the process of KYC (Know Your Customer, supposedly) are that – any given service enterprise ought to do periodically – pre birth, life, quick-death AND after-death of the ‘Customer.’

Of course, all very understandable in the current contexts of frauds, need to establish a clear identification of a person & the necessity to maintain trails to establish accountability & traceability in processes.

But.

OTPs have taken over every aspect of life in the given shortened-life of the average citizens – and not only that, they attack in a pack with ravenous KYC processes.

Oh, the horror, the horror…

2

Dunno when I fell asleep. Actually I don’t even know whether I even slept, given my continuing OTP-KYC nightmares. May be I am still caught in the same web of mortal terror.

It doesn’t matter. I think I am awake now, so I am.

However, I see the distant hellfires of jahannum (© Islam) and gehannah (© Christianity) – the former, obviously the forward integrated & shamelessly copied version of the latter, including the name…

…I think, it all started when I suddenly realized that I had become a senior citizen and that I was going to be taken over by the hordes of 3letter abbreviations. No. It wasn’t G.O.D. Silly. Realize that It/He/She GOD may not be omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient – but OTPs and KYCs certainly are.

…But, even then, I didn’t know what was to come and hit me hard, real hard… In fact, I knew naught, how the damn OTP ensured total KYC – Kill Your Customer. The details of the hit of course included recursively handing over multiple copies of Aadhaar Identification and Income tax PAN cards (of both sides) of course, which had to be self-certified, signed in black ink etc… (the only saving grace is that, one does not need to get notarized notorious public lawyers’ authenticating signature and stuff)

Fact & single sentence story is that, I merely went to a Bank, and then all hell broke loose and I was quickly caught-up in a massively tangled web of OTPs and KYC processes… As the natural and logical following step, I fainted…

3

By the year 2032, India had finally achieved what emperors, invading islamic hordes, marauding christian padres, economystics, socialists, congressis, left-liberals, homeland visiting NRIs & dravidian scum never could:

total citizen obedience through OTP verification!

Nothing moved without a One-Time Password & KYC.

Not weddings.
Not funerals.
Not even bowel movements in AI enabled premium smart toilets.

Sixty-eight-year-old Mr. Ramasami Othisaivu discovered this on a humid Tuesday morning when he tried to die peacefully at his home in the outskirts of Bengaluru.

The heart attack itself went smoothly.

The ambulance did not.

“Sir,” said the paramedic, kneeling beside the semi-unconscious man, “before we begin CPR, please confirm the OTP sent to your registered mobile number ending in 7407.”

Ramasami, being temporarily & incrementally dead, did not respond.

The paramedic sighed. “Happens every day.”

His wife, Lalitha, grabbed the phone. “Ayyo! It’s asking for biometric confirmation also!”

“Madam, government regulations! Too many fraudulent resuscitations.”

But the OTP got delayed, because the SMS gateway was crawling to a halt thanks to millions of citizens simultaneously verifying attendance for National Productivity Yoga Hour & billions booking FirstDayFirstShow tickets all over the world for the Vijay blockbuster ‘DigVijay, The Permanent Emperor of India.’

Incidentally, this film release was the only promise made in the manifesto of his political party “Thamizhaga Vetri Kazhagam’ (Tamilnadu Victory Party) that successfully formed the Union Government in India post the 2029 Loksabha elections, after a massive sweep of 540 out of ~544 seats!

…

…however, the WhatsApp OTP came faster, but only after watching a 50-second ad for just-in-time Life Insurance for soon-to-be-dead Customers, of course subject to KYC – followed by a 30 second promo for DigVijay, with some recommendations of Instagram reels of Vijay fans.

…In the meantime, Ramasami briefly regained consciousness just long enough to whisper, “Check spam folder… in gmail, just in case…”

Then flatlined again.

An offer from Amazon (co-sponsored by Project Vaikuntha) landed in Laitha’s mobile – about, a cool & attractive ‘premium branded ashes immersion package’ in Kashi, at 90% final rebate + GST.

Another cheerful duplicate OTP made it to Ramasami’s WhatsApp, saying “In case you are already dead, kindly ignore this OTP. In case you didn’t receive this message, send an YES to +91 19119 11911 via SMS.”

4

At the hospital reception, the young lady with a plastic smile, responded professionally, in an accent halfway between India and USA. Probably an AI enabled hologram.

“Say 1 for English, 2 for Hindi, 3 for Kannada, 4 for Braille, 6 for Signlanguage, 7 for ASCII, 8 for Morse code, 9 for back to previous menu…”

“1”

“Thanks for choosing 1. Say 1 for American English, 2 for British English, 3 for Indian English…”

“3”

“Thanks for choosing 3. Say 1 for Hinglish, 2 for Kinglish, 3 for Tanglish, 4 for Telgish, 5 for Mallish…”

“3”

“Check your OTP”

…
…

“Welcome to Kailash Direct Hospitals. How can I serve you?”

“QUICKLY?!”

“Ok Madam… Death or semi-death package, madam?”

“Death.”

“Due to what?”

“Due to OTPs and KYC. And delays…”

“Okay, we are sorry to hear that,” the young lady smiles, while checking her WhatsApp for VIjay film release updates, “but was it Basic death or Aadhaar-linked death?”

“What’s the difference?”

“In Aadhaar-linked death, your husband receives loyalty points redeemable in the afterlife ecosystem.”

Lalitha stared.

“Fine,” said the clerk. “I’ll select maybe.”

A new OTP got generated and sent.

But, unfortunately, the OTP was sent to Ramasami’s old SIM card, which had been deactivated because he had failed re-KYC for insufficient blinking during facial verification.

“Can we use my number?” asked Lalitha desperately.

“No, madam. Relationship transfer requires Form 18-C, notarized by two blood relatives and one chartered accountant. And, we will have to do fresh KYC for all of them, including the Notary Public lawyer.”

5

At the crematorium, things got better.

The electric cremation chamber displayed:

USER NOT VERIFIED
PLEASE COMPLETE MANDATORY KYC BEFORE POWER-ON

A weary employee approached carrying a ring light and fingerprint scanner.

“Thumb impression of the deceased, please.”

“He’s dead!”

“Yes madam, but system should know that.”

“But you can SEE he’s dead!”

“Madam, emotionally maybe. Technically pending approval.”

“Really??”

“Yes madam – it is the usual KYC process here, Know Your Corpse.”

They pressed Ramasami’s thumb onto the scanner.

FINGER NOT ALIVE ENOUGH

“Try other hand, or some other finger…,” suggested the employee.

6

Meanwhile, the family WhatsApp group exploded.

“UNCLE DEAD??? SOURCE??”

“Too much fake news these days.”

“Please share OTP for condolences.”

“Om shanti RIP!”

“In ‘States’ nobody asks for Aadhaar!”

“Fake news! Uncle was heartless! How can HE have a heart attack!!??”

“gr8 news brb”

…

A cousin in Dubai launched a Google Meet prayer session, but nobody could join because the authentication SMS was delayed.

This was because Dubai data centers & telecommunication providers hosting SMS gateways were hit by missiles from Iran.

7

Then came the final obstacle: ‘Ashes Release Authorization.”

The municipal officer adjusted his spectacles.

“Madam, before collecting ashes, kindly verify whether the deceased wishes to remain carbon-neutral.”

“How would he know?”

“AI prediction available for Rs. 299/- plus GST.”

Lalitha finally snapped.

“For FIFTY years this man paid taxes, linked Aadhaar, linked PAN, linked LPG, linked bank accounts, linked voter ID, linked water pipeline, linked insurance, linked Spotify family plan, linked Netflix subscription — and now even his soul is buffering??! What the hell!!”

The officer nodded sympathetically.

“Happened to my father also. His reincarnation got delayed because OTP server was down.”

At sunset, Ramasami was finally cremated after successful e-KYC, OTP verification, liveness non-detection, and acceptance of updated Terms & Conditions.

…

Far above, at the entrance to heaven, a celestial receptionist looked up.

“Welcome, Mr. Othisaivu. Are you part of DIE quota?”

“Am not sure madam. I am already dead!”

“Nonno sir, we want to know whether you are protected by Diversity-Inclusion-Equity laws?”

“Well, I am from OTP positive community, not sure whether…”

“Okay, okay – I get it. You are cattle-class – now, before entry, please verify the OTP sent to your registered WhatsApp.”

Ramasami closed his eyes in weariness.

“Send me to hell,” he said quietly. “At least there they pick up the phone & don’t play hold-music.”

“Sir, their AI call-center has a five-star rating, but they will still have to do a fresh KYC, link your hell admit card to Aadhaar and of course there would be OTPs and further physical residential address & conduct verifications by their Yama’s agents…”

“Send me back to earth, please!”

“Yes, but first take our Customer Satisfaction Survey. Be sure to give me a five-star rating because my performance appraisal is due next week!”

“Sure, am used to these surveys. where is the link?”

“Scan this QR code first and then you will get an OTP; a KYC check would be done by the way, and here is the form – and please note – this conversation is being recorded for Quality Improvement & Training purposes…”

8

Ramasami woke up in cold sweat and promptly had a real heart-attack.

THE END

*